If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
