Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
