Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
