So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
