My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
