remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
