the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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