I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
