She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
