I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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