I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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