smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
