On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
