i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Houston, we have a squirter
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
