Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
