I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
