I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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