I cannot find my penis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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