I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
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The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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