The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
