She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
