Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
