I want to stick my p in your. b.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
