it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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