this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
