Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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