i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I smell stomach acid.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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