You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
