Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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