Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
