I wanna bring you to show and tell
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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