Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
