You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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