college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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