Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Everyone says I win the strip club
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
