Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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