If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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