You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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