apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
