ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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