My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You're like the curious george of whores
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
