Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
