we were pretty classy up until the second keg
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
