His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
