I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
