how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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