Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
