To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
