Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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