I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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