my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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