nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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