you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
